And it struck me....

I said to Mom... "Why don't I have an elder brother?"

She smiled and asked, "Why do you say that?"

I thought for a minute and replied, "Because elder brothers are better than younger ones. They look out for you, they get you sweets and chocolates, they treat you better!"

She laughed at that, "Oh! You can't be so sure."

And that was it. It always ended like this. I cried myself to sleep whenever I had a fight with my younger brother..when he had broken my doll or spoilt my new dress or just made a mess with my stuff. That noosy little @#$%#$#!!

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I will not say that he was my best friend. Coz I didn't share all my secrets with him. I was concious of what he would think of me. He was elder to me, you know! And like all elder brothers are... protective and judgemental!

I tried to be nice and witty and sweet and dumb all at the same time. He had a great sense of humor. He was not too bad with the guitar. He would try playing a song and I would try and sing with him.
He always loved challenges. He always loved challenging me!
We would bet on the silliest of things. He told me that he wanted to be the Don by the time he was 35 yrs. Hah!! The Don??! It was so like him. He had just finished The Godfather and so he thought that he could build his empire like those Italians. We bet on it.

Once he took me for a ride on his bike. Got me my favourite icecream at 'Temptations'. And then said gravely, "I'm about to tell you something. You have to promise me that it will stay between us."

"Okay, I swear"!!?!

And then he said softly, "I'm in love!"
Hah! I thought but I didn't dare say it. I asked who the girl was. I knew the girl. When he asked me what I thought of her, I was touched that my opinion mattered to him!

He was my first cousin. My mamaji's son. The elder brother I never had.

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Then I came to Australia. He had changed.... he had broken up with that girl. Said, "It was never meant to be". I asked him to make an email account so we could keep in touch.

He never did. I would only hear about him from his sister when I called India. I missed him. I missed the times we had together. I wondered, 'Will I ever have the guts to tell him when I fell for a guy?'

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Busy?!
Yes, thats what we both have been.

He got married two years ago. I couldn't make it to his wedding as it was smack in the middle of my exams!!
He had a baby boy a few months ago - Dhruv. He looks soooo cute in the pictures sitting in my brothers arms! My bro - he's a papa now!!

I sent this very silly noisy little toy and Dhruv loves it! He wont play with any other toy except the one I sent. Its probably because the noisy plastic grabs his attention. And he just stares at it and claps!

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My elder brother...the one I never had. He died on a road accident yesterday.

I was speechless for 2 minutes.

I stared at the phone.

I told Suraj...Anant Bhaiya had died! It was all in slow motion.

Suraj was confused. He shook me, "Are you sure?!"

I could hear crying on the other end of the line.

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And it struck me -
I will never see him again.
I will never laugh at his jokes again.
I will never sing with him again.
I will never argue and bet over silly things with him.
I missed his wedding.
I missed the birth of his son.
I didn't see him since Jan 2001.

I had been waiting to tell him about the guy that I am in love with. I had been waiting for the right time. I knew that he knew... as my family know and are waiting for me to return to India to tie the knot. But I wanted to tell him myself. Like he had.

Now I wont be able to.

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He's gone.
I miss him.
Was he upset with me? May be he never made the effort to contact me because he came to know about my guy from my mom. And he was upset that I didn't tell him first!

Oh! God.
My elder brother... no more.

3o'clock at night. I'm writing about him on my blog. I want to remember this time. These feelings. I miss him...and I don't want to forget that.