Thursday, January 6

And it struck me....

I said to Mom... "Why don't I have an elder brother?"

She smiled and asked, "Why do you say that?"

I thought for a minute and replied, "Because elder brothers are better than younger ones. They look out for you, they get you sweets and chocolates, they treat you better!"

She laughed at that, "Oh! You can't be so sure."

And that was it. It always ended like this. I cried myself to sleep whenever I had a fight with my younger brother..when he had broken my doll or spoilt my new dress or just made a mess with my stuff. That noosy little @#$%#$#!!

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I will not say that he was my best friend. Coz I didn't share all my secrets with him. I was concious of what he would think of me. He was elder to me, you know! And like all elder brothers are... protective and judgemental!

I tried to be nice and witty and sweet and dumb all at the same time. He had a great sense of humor. He was not too bad with the guitar. He would try playing a song and I would try and sing with him.
He always loved challenges. He always loved challenging me!
We would bet on the silliest of things. He told me that he wanted to be the Don by the time he was 35 yrs. Hah!! The Don??! It was so like him. He had just finished The Godfather and so he thought that he could build his empire like those Italians. We bet on it.

Once he took me for a ride on his bike. Got me my favourite icecream at 'Temptations'. And then said gravely, "I'm about to tell you something. You have to promise me that it will stay between us."

"Okay, I swear"!!?!

And then he said softly, "I'm in love!"
Hah! I thought but I didn't dare say it. I asked who the girl was. I knew the girl. When he asked me what I thought of her, I was touched that my opinion mattered to him!

He was my first cousin. My mamaji's son. The elder brother I never had.

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Then I came to Australia. He had changed.... he had broken up with that girl. Said, "It was never meant to be". I asked him to make an email account so we could keep in touch.

He never did. I would only hear about him from his sister when I called India. I missed him. I missed the times we had together. I wondered, 'Will I ever have the guts to tell him when I fell for a guy?'

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Busy?!
Yes, thats what we both have been.

He got married two years ago. I couldn't make it to his wedding as it was smack in the middle of my exams!!
He had a baby boy a few months ago - Dhruv. He looks soooo cute in the pictures sitting in my brothers arms! My bro - he's a papa now!!

I sent this very silly noisy little toy and Dhruv loves it! He wont play with any other toy except the one I sent. Its probably because the noisy plastic grabs his attention. And he just stares at it and claps!

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My elder brother...the one I never had. He died on a road accident yesterday.

I was speechless for 2 minutes.

I stared at the phone.

I told Suraj...Anant Bhaiya had died! It was all in slow motion.

Suraj was confused. He shook me, "Are you sure?!"

I could hear crying on the other end of the line.

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And it struck me -
I will never see him again.
I will never laugh at his jokes again.
I will never sing with him again.
I will never argue and bet over silly things with him.
I missed his wedding.
I missed the birth of his son.
I didn't see him since Jan 2001.

I had been waiting to tell him about the guy that I am in love with. I had been waiting for the right time. I knew that he knew... as my family know and are waiting for me to return to India to tie the knot. But I wanted to tell him myself. Like he had.

Now I wont be able to.

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He's gone.
I miss him.
Was he upset with me? May be he never made the effort to contact me because he came to know about my guy from my mom. And he was upset that I didn't tell him first!

Oh! God.
My elder brother... no more.

3o'clock at night. I'm writing about him on my blog. I want to remember this time. These feelings. I miss him...and I don't want to forget that.



18 comments:

Kaps said...

sad.so sorry.

Srini said...

Hi,

I never thought this post would take such a tragic turn and my heart, for a moment,stopped when I read that he passed away. Perhaps, it is because, we don't read such a serious thing often. I am deeply sorry to read this and am thinking how sad you must be feeling. Here's praying thet the Lord gives him all peace and rest.
Very Sorry.

Srini

Nupur said...

@Kapil- It breaks my heart when I call India..the crying on the phone. And I cant stay without calling either.

@Srini- Thats what... things take a strange turn when you least expect them!

Surinder said...

i was smiling and smiling .. and then came that para .. that just shook me !! ..

very sorry to hear about your loss .. may his soul rest in peace .. and god give you strength to go through this tragic period.

shub said...

OUCH.
nothing I say can make a difference right...
take care girl...here's a hug....
i bet right now, he's up there smiling down on you , readin this post...

arvindiyer said...

My comment wouldn;t make any diff to ur feelin now..But all I can say is that..Have lost ppl who are really close to me...And well They are always there for us..Lookin down on us and makin sure we are ok...U take care....HUGSSSSS>...
get a smile back on...Now u have ur little hairy one to get u back on track...maybe it's him:)

Sumit said...

What to say? Take care..

Nupur said...

@Surinder - Thanks..I dont know. Its not fair..thats all!!!

@Shub - Hey girls... thanks for the hugs~! I need them. :|

Nupur said...

@Arvind - The hairy one was born on 31st and my bro died on the 4th...so its surely not him. But.... I just cant stop thinking about his son...little Dhruv without his Papa!!

@Sumit - :)

manuscrypts said...

peace, and a star thats watching over you...

Nupur said...

:) Now I have a reason to look up into the night sky...

Sonia Sinha said...

Landed on ur blog the first time today...and this is what i saw..i m so sorry.......life!! so strange..so unpredictable...hai na??
I wish god gives u enough strength so that you get over with this..please do!!

Sonia Sinha said...

Landed on ur blog the first time today...and this is what i saw..i m so sorry.......life!! so strange..so unpredictable...hai na??
I wish god gives u enough strength so that you get over with this..please do!!

Nupur said...

Thanks so much Sonia. Yes, life has to go on. I just worry about my little nephew now! He dosen't understand what has happened.
You take care ok?

I said...

Was just surfing blogs and came across your blog. Was in a bad mood today so thought of changing my mood by looking at other people's happiness. Your blog made me smiled for few mins...and suddenly a tragic end.

God!!! really painful..i can understand. But life goes on dear. Just thinking about his kid "little Dhruv"
God bless all...

Nupur said...

Hi Shipra! Yes... we are trying to pick up the pieces and move on.
Thanks for dropping by my blog, and when I visit South India next...I shall surely use ur blog as my reference!!

Take care.

anumita said...

Hey, really sorry to hear about your brother. It's a lovely post. If I may say so, your final gift to him. I am sure he knew how much you loved him.

Nupur said...

Thanks Anumita,
You have made me thing abt this post in a new light.. yes I guess it can be said as my final gift to him! :)

Well...thanks for coming to the blog...keep coming!